Place to hide

I never 'meet' in meetings
I just hear the hollow sounds
When jargon leaves me tongue tied
How i wish for a place to hide

I wake up and think

of the day ahead and sigh

I will march on taking it all in stride

But how i wish for a place to hide

When my friends come over

We talk share jokes we smile

Yet with no reason on my side

I do long for a place to hide

True, no man is an island

but nor is he a local train

i do not regret this ride

But how i wish for a place to hide

So many do's and don't in this world
guffaws replaced with repressed smiles
while all etiquette I do abide
But how i wish for a place to hide

When you trust somebody

You give them the power to strike

While i try to let that one comment slide

How i wish for a place to hide

The world is tough and hardly fair

Failure are hard and too many to bear

As i soothe my hurt pride

How i wish for a place to hide

We are so quick to judge , compartmentalize

Will i ever be understood

or my legacy be a stereotype

someone who wished for a place to hide

नज़रिया

मुझे डिसेंबर का महीना बहुत ही अच्छा लगता हैं. वो रातो की कँपकपि खड़ी कर देनी वाली गुस्सेल गरजती हवा और वो सुबह की प्यारी प्यारी गर्माहट से भरी माँ जैसी धूप. हाँ कभी कभी रातो को हवा कुछ ज़्यादा ही नाराज़ हो जाती हैं . पैर जम के बर्फ की सिल्ली से हो जाते हैं. कितनी ही कोशिश कर लो नींद आए नही आती. पर इसका तोड़ भी बड़ा मज़ेदार होता हैं   माँ गोद मे सर रख सरसो के तेल की मालिश कर देती हैं और सारी सर्दी दूर भाग जाती हैं. और जब माँ थकी हुई होती हैं तब तो चाँदी हो जाती हैं . पापा की बॉटल से २-३ घूँट मारने मिल जाते हैं और पूरे शरीर मैं गर्मी दौड़ने लग जाती हैं. क्या जम के नींद आती हैं की पूछो मत.

बस शाम साली बहुत छोटी होती हैं . टॉस जीत जाओ तब तक तो ठीक हैं वरना तो बॅटिंग आती ही नही हैं. किशोर का क्या गंदा कटा अभी . खुद का बैट हैं तो बहुत ही भाव खाता हैं कमीना . ५ दिन से लगातार जिस टीम मैं था वो टॉस हार गयी अब अपने बैट का जो उखाड़ना हैं उखाड़ ले. बॅटिंग आई ही नही साले की.

पर डिसेंबर का सबसे अच्छा वक़्त तो शाम ढलने के बाद आता हैं . जब शादी होती हैं और खाने को मिलता हैं . पापा मुझे भी साथ ले जाते हैं .बड़ी मुश्किल से रोकता हूँ खुद को लोगो का खाना ख़त्म होंने तक .और गुलाब जामुन तो मैं पहले ही दबा लेता हूँ , खाना परोसते वक़्त जब किसी का ध्यान नही होता . ठंड मैं गरम गरम गुलाब जामुन खाने का जो मज़ा हैं क्या ही कहूँ और फिर भरे पेट जो नींद आती हैं ना बता नही सकता

पर अगर कोई एक चीज़ जो मुझे सबसे अच्छी लगती हैं तो वो हैं बारात.ये महँगे महँगे कपड़े पहन के आते हैं. कितना खर्चा करते हैं. और कितने खुश होते हैं सब . नाचते भी ऐसे हैं जैसे सिनेमा मे हीरो हीरोइन नाचते हैं.  और बस नाचते रहते हैं . रुकते ही नही . खाने की भी कोई जल्दी नही . उनके लिए तो रोज़ की बात होती हैं ना. मैं भी रोड पे खूब ज़ोर ज़ोर से नाचता हूँ जब बैंड वाले गाना बजाते हैं. बारात वाले लोग भी मुझे देख के हंसते रहते हैं .

कितना अच्छा होता होगा ना अमीर होना . कितने अच्छे दिखते हैं सब. और कोई परवाह ही नही हैं. ना खाने की चिंता . ना बीमार होने की चिंता . दे मोटे मोटे कोट पहन के आते हैं . ग़ुस्सेल सर्दी तो इनको छू भी नही सकती . बड़ा हो के मैं भी अमीर बनूंगा . और फिर ऐसे ही बारात मैं जाऊँगा. खुश, अच्छे अच्छे कपड़ो मैं. बिना किसी चिंता के बिल्कुल तरीके से नाचते हुए . १ दिन ज़रूर.


Its 5 AM in the morning. I am dazed, still in sleep. Waiting for my flight. Now why am i here? Oh! because i need to attend a friend's wedding.Why i ask myself. Why do i torture myself so. But i know the answer. I do it because it  is expected. And my life is but a painful loop of me trying to live up to people's expectations. More often than not i fail and then i feel miserable. When i do live up, well there is no joy in doing something that i never wanted to do .

Flight is delayed by an hour. Maybe i should catch up on some sleep now.Could hardly sleep the last night. Packing up those repugnant sophisticated suits and "traditional" wears . Welcome to the world of "adults gone nuts, fancy dress competitions" . And then the discussion on gifts.Our pathetic attempts at choosing something personal for someone we hardly know personally, atleast not anymore. No surprise then that  we agreed on gift vouchers.

i reach in the morning. My parents were delighted to see me. So was i . I wish i could just stay for this short stay with them. But i have a mission to accomplish . I eat the tastiest food that exists in unworthy extreme quick bites. No time to savor the taste, to breathe in the aromas. I bathe, slip into my costume. The marriage man is ready to face the challenges of this world.

i meet the groom. I am greeted well. I know the look by now. The look of relief. He was not sure i would come. He needed atleast 50% of the 50-50 cases to convert in his  favour. Else he will look like a lonely guy who did not have close friends who come from far away places. He may have good friends who stay here. But they dont count . They dont have to buy the flight tickets. I was one of those 50-50 cases. But i came. Marriage Man saves the day again.

I meet my friends. They are decent fellows , a bit too narcissistic but now a days who is not .The questions start getting uncomfortable after some times though. What is your salary? Why did you not study further?
You would have been much better off. The fellows aren't looking that decent now.

Thankfully the procession begins now. The guy in the weirdest costume sits on the horse , highly uncomfortable. And we surround him from each side lest he might run away. A band sings out the item numbers in the worst way possible. As if its possible to debase the song any further. They try never the less.

The circus begins. I am surrounded by people who dance spontaneously on the vulgar tunes with smiles on their face. The choreographers have been working for weeks to attain this spontaneity. The smiles are coupled with side glances checking other's moves. Estimating their ranking in the social order. Its a function of the moves, their looks and price of the costume. So some ambiguity do creep in but more or less people realize where they stand. The ones finding themselves on lower rungs take a back step , shake their heads a bit in rhythm (in rhythm of the item number sung by the band) and pretend to be relaxing and having a great time while silently nursing their bruised egos.

Soon the procession will be over and it will be feast time. There will be far too many dishes for any of us to imagine going through. I have been told the exact count is 112  which is kind of a take on the traditional 56 bhog. They could have gone with the actual 56 instead of the 2x function but ofcourse 56 would have been too less.

Generally two dishes are made at my home. Three is a rare event but i love when three dishes are made. But if its four i get confused and loose interest. Never really wanted more dishes than that. Infact never would have wished more dishes on people i mildly hate. I miss the food at home. Mom would not have made anything as she thinks i am enjoying the feast. And ofcourse i could not have asked mom to make something as that is simply not the expected thing to do. Once the display of dance moves end i will have to begin my search for my two dishes from the stack of 112. (2 *56)

I am feeling tired by the thought of it. My eyes wander across the side of the road. And i see this kid. Wearing a baniyan and a pant in the chill of December. The pant is wore out at the bottom. A smile passes on  my face. "How many times do i have to tell you to fold the jeans at bottom if its long", I could never do that. The intricate art of creating a fold in a material as thick as jeans. Hell i cant fold papers in my craft classes. I could not figure out how to tie the shoe laces either. I look at my shoes now. They are still untied. For the first time in the day i fell good about something. Something unknown , unidentified. A smile choose to stay on my face this time. Not the "i am good , everything is good" smile but the " Everything is not over yet. I am yet to die" smile.

I look at the kid with a new found interest . Interest fueled in parts by my contempt of the present and in parts by my nostalgia for the past.And this kid with a worn out pant and a baniyan in the chill of december had a large smile across his face. The type of smile that reaches the eyes. He was dancing joyfully without a care. The choreographers may shook their head in dismay but that was the most wonderful dance that i had seen in a long long time. I looked at people on my end;the perfect dance moves with not a hair out of place nor a speck of dust on the boot; and at that moment i wanted nothing more than to be that kid from outside