One step at a time

My alarm rings. My survival sense kicks in and i shut it off with incredible speed. It is a habit now.

The real world is so frightening. I  strongly question my  need of waking up .I don’t wake up from nightmares. I wake up into them.

My feet are ice cold and my legs are shaking badly.

 Its summer in Mumbai.

I sleep for another half an hour. Hoping the things will change by the time i wake up again.

The next half hour passes excruciatingly slowly but when it does it seems to have been all too quick. 

Nothing seems to have changed.

I take long breaths. One breath at a time. There is nothing else in this world that matters, just the next breath. Just one breath at a time. This gives me a semblance of strength. I manage to pull myself out of my bed.

But as soon as i do the reality starts overpowering me again. I hyperventilate.

I start consoling myself. Break down the day into hours, hours into minutes,  i say . A minute passes by, I survive it. Nothing happens to me. I wait for another minute to pass me by. Another , and another and another. If i can survive five i can survive the next thousand too.

 I go to the washbasin. I see a hideous person in front of me. I try to be brave. I try to greet him with a smile. My cheeks froze. I cannot smile.

I open my mouth. I begin to brush my teeth.
 1-2-3-4  Pause
1-2-3-4 Pause
I change the direction I go to gums . I am back at front teeth.

As i brush my teeth i feel calm. I feel like a warrior bravely fighting away ages of filth. Slowly and steadily.
One step at a time.
Just One step at a time.

I take a bath. I pour a mug over me. The warmth comforts me. I pour another mug and i realise that i cannot stop the process. For my mind knows what will happen when this ends. The world outside is now licking its lips waiting for me to come out. I keep on pouring mugs. One after another until the hot water runs out.

Its time now. I say my prayers.

I kick start my bike. A SUV passes close to me and sprays dirt over me. I am too disinterested to notice how bad my shirt looks and too tired to argue either. I keep on riding my bike. I am close to my office now.

As i reach the last turn a wild idea hits me. What if i just don’t take this turn. What if i just keep on riding . I have enough money in the bank to last for a long time. I certainly do not need this job to survive. I can just leave this world away. Run away to some unknown place. Away from the people, away from the expectation, away from the judgement, away from sympathy, away from the pain in their eyes over the disappointment that i have been.

It brings a smile on my face that leaves me sadder than before. Because i know that nothing like that is going to happen. Because i know that in the next three seconds i will be taking that turn.

I have now reached the building. There is no turning back now.

I feel pain in my chest. Could it be heart attack? How should i feel about my death?  Should i be sad about it or should i simply be relieved that its all over. I cannot decide so i just give up thinking about it.

It’s time to start the daily ritual now. I go into by brain and start shredding ever snippet of me. Step by step until not a modicum of me remains. Tearing oneself from oneself is a very painful operation. Something within me wants to scream madly. I barely manage to muffle the sounds.

I feel a flood of emotions rushing through me.
I am in pain.
I am angry.
I am in disbelief.
I am hurt.

I am exhausted. But the results are almost instantaneous. My identity, my thoughts are all gone now. Only a sense of numbness remains.  

 I reach my desk now and there is nothing to fear. I greet the dullness and mediocrity with  awe and inspiration. Everything is good as long as the numbness in my brain remains.

Its far from permanent. My thoughts my identity will definitely grow back. But everything will be fine.

 I just need to weed myself from my life.

 I just need to kill myself daily.

One day at a time.
One day at a time.